Child Sexual Abuse and Greiving

As a survivor of child sexual abuse, I look back and frequently say "What if?".  Interestingly enough, I never have given myself time to grieve what are probably losses similar to a friend’s death or other tragic event.  Certainly, there is no answer to the "What if?" and maybe it is not an answer I seek.  It is true realization and acceptance of the fact that predators entered my life, stole my innocence and my sense of self and I have never cried or grieved over the death of that person.  It was a death in every sense of the word, which then gave life to another person occupying my body.  For decades the "other" person was a fabrication and, in some ways, is still a fabrication today.  As one boy died, his childhood and memories died with him, only to be replaced with new stories, most often filled with violence and evil.  When the little boy died, his values and mores died with him.  They, in turn, were replaced by the distortions of the sexual violation and the manipulation of the predators. These distortions and the violation have impacted every relationship I have ever had, no exceptions.

So we fast forward to today, we see a man of 69 years.  He has been blessed with the opportunity to find healing.  He has been blessed with trustworthy friends and colleagues, who have helped as he rebuilt his values and his life.  Their help has come without cost and without judgment or criticism. Today, he sees in the mirror a person he loves, a person in whom he has great pride and a person that he knows has shed much of the overt damage of his early years.  He has been reborn a second time, in the image of his Savior.

He pauses one last time to consider "What if?" and then steps away knowing that the little boy of those early years is immensely proud of today's man, but the two shall never meet.  The little boy's time passed many years ago and transformation of his badly broken successor continues to this day.  Through these hardships and the immeasurable losses of self, identity and connection, a man capable of helping and supporting others is born.  He stops for a second and ponders "What if this had not been his path?" and "what if he had not accepted the challenges of his path?"  Who would be there for those in need?

You can't enjoy an egg without cracking it!

A friend sent me the following quote:  "Ring the Bells that still can ring, forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in." by Leonard Cohen

It conjured up so many thought-provoking images, I thought I would share some.   

As a survivor of child sexual abuse, I have always viewed myself as damaged.  Not scratched, but seriously, and at times life-threateningly damaged.  Most of my energy was spent covering over the cracks, which symbolized this damage.  I labored endlessly to hide the cracks and hopefully make them disappear.  Most times, I was much more willing to allow the internal pain, suffering and anxiety to build to a bursting point, rather than allow others to see the real, and the real size, of the cracks in my facade.


The quote above gave me a whole new perspective.  While I was hiding, I didn't realize I was blocking out all the sunlight that brings joy into a life and makes one a person others desire to be around.  By patching over the crack in the bell, me, I muffled the beauty of its ring and the opportunity for the real me to shine and spread light.


Today, I accept the cracks, large and small, and I feel joy in the resonance my life has and how that echo encourages and supports others.  I accept that sometime there will be a harsh tone that represents the mistakes of life.  I pray to learn from those, but not allow them to silence my ring.  My ring is distinctive, because I embrace the uniqueness of my "bell".  It is important to the symphony of life.  Maybe there is a lesson in this for all of us.