Bad Times in Boy Scouts

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Excerpt from Terrible Things Happened to Me: A True Story of Violence and Victory,  by Tom Scales  Pages 27-29.

Another attempt I made to find safety, while growing up, was joining the Cub Scouts. It was fun, interesting and a safe diversion from real life. In time, I graduated to the Boy Scouts and hoped and prayed that it, too, would be a safe haven where I could spend my time having some fun and adventures. The scout master was a close family friend so how could I go wrong? Everything was great in the beginning and I was excited as we headed out for my first camp experience. Unfortunately, this trip to Boy Scout Camp was to destroy any hope of safety or expectation of good times.

It started when the scoutmaster called me into his cabin. As I look back on that day, I see a small-statured, almost mousy-looking man with a whiny voice and a strong body odor smell about him. He told me I had to complete an initiation before he would allow me to be a full member of the troop. He said it was an important step that would show my commitment to him and the troop. I only had to do what he told me and I would be accepted forever. He added that the initiation was a secret process, and if I ever told anyone about it, I would be thrown out of the troop and branded a troublemaker. As he said it, I remembered my mother’s threatening words about obedience.

He told me to kneel down in the middle of his bed, and I did. He told me to slide down my pants and underpants, and I did. He told me to repeat, “O what an ass I am,” over and over and over again. When I said it quietly, he told me to speak up and say it loudly so that he knew I really believed it. I remember yelling those words as vividly as if it happened only yesterday. I no longer wanted to be a Boy Scout. He then started laughing at me and humiliating me for being so “tiny.” He insisted I come close to him so that I could see what the real thing looked like. He unzipped his pants and removed his erection and put my hands on it. He then told me, “Someday, you will be a man, like me,” and my Scout Master proceeded to do to me what predators do to little boys. This went on for over a year, and when I tried to quit scouts, I was told that “quitters never win and winners never quit.” Through this whole experience I shed no tears and felt absolutely nothing.

Tom Scales
Executive Director 
VOICE today, Inc.
 678-438-5944
Tom@voicetoday.org

"Negative Programming"

There have been many times in my life when a voice, a tone of voice, a color, the appearance of a person, a smell or some other element picked up by my senses reminded me vividly of the events of my child sexual abuse; It could happen anywhere and with out warning. Before I truly dealt with the issues of my abuse, these events triggered an almost instant regression to the little boy being violated and victimized by so many and in so many ways. The feelings were real and, in some ways, scarier than the actual events themselves. I was older and trying to understand what was happening.

It was not until I went to a support group for adult survivors of child sexual abuse and listened to the stories of others.One member wrote the words "negative programming " on the white board and it was an A-HA moment for many of us.It was then we realized that our reaction to many of these elements impacting our senses was as much habit as it was "real" regression. The abuse and the predators had in some way conditioned our minds to react a certain way. That was when I decided that I needed to reprogram my mind a bit.

My first step was to recognize when one of these events was starting.I then tried to look at it in the context of the moment, not the context of 30, 40, 50 years ago. I simply asked myself "why" was I reacting this way. I didn't want to. I was in no real danger.

The abuse drove me to both physical and emotional isolation, as much to get away from myself as from others.

As a child I thought I carried a sign that told all that I was vulnerable to sexual abuse. Once the actual abuse stopped,The nightmares and flashbacks kept it front and center in my mind, both conscious and subconscious.

Pondering Shame

I am in a Linked In group called Parenting 2.0 and one of the discussions is around "creating" yourself, rather than "finding" yourself. I think this is particularly apropos for survivors of child sexual abuse. In many, if not most cases, our memories are gone, our morals are corrupted and our emotional development is stunted. It seems to me that I kept silent and suffered inside because I was horrified by what was happening to me, and felt I had no power for self-protection and no adults who would stand for me. Once I reached a certain age, the perpetrators no longer perpetrated, but the memories lingered on in living color. Then began the second phase of child sexual abuse. Most of the coping mechanisms I had as a child were serious character flaws in the adult. At some point, the abuse itself, except for the nightmares, needed less and less power. That evil force was replaced by my own self-judgement of my own behaviors. I had moved from being shamed by what others had done to how I was living.

To heal, I needed to "recreate" myself, and that is what I did, although, I am not sure I realized it at the time. One step was to intimately understand and accept that I had not responsibility for the abuse, regardless of what i was told at the time. The next important step started with a simple statement made in one of our support groups--"We need to be constantly aware of "negative programming"." It was then I realized that I would have adult experiences, they would trigger a certain fear or anxiety, and I would replay old tapes in my head. i was responding to these adult situations with the tools of a child. This in turn gave me a fresh batch of memories and images that caused me great shame. I am certainly not "fixed" today, but, with God's grace, I have disabled some programs, modified others and replaced some. We cannot change our past, be it the abuse or the behavior, but we can change today and the future to be the person that we choose to be and that God destines us to be.

Child Sexual Abuse and Greiving

As a survivor of child sexual abuse, I look back and frequently say "What if?".  Interestingly enough, I never have given myself time to grieve what are probably losses similar to a friend’s death or other tragic event.  Certainly, there is no answer to the "What if?" and maybe it is not an answer I seek.  It is true realization and acceptance of the fact that predators entered my life, stole my innocence and my sense of self and I have never cried or grieved over the death of that person.  It was a death in every sense of the word, which then gave life to another person occupying my body.  For decades the "other" person was a fabrication and, in some ways, is still a fabrication today.  As one boy died, his childhood and memories died with him, only to be replaced with new stories, most often filled with violence and evil.  When the little boy died, his values and mores died with him.  They, in turn, were replaced by the distortions of the sexual violation and the manipulation of the predators. These distortions and the violation have impacted every relationship I have ever had, no exceptions.

So we fast forward to today, we see a man of 69 years.  He has been blessed with the opportunity to find healing.  He has been blessed with trustworthy friends and colleagues, who have helped as he rebuilt his values and his life.  Their help has come without cost and without judgment or criticism. Today, he sees in the mirror a person he loves, a person in whom he has great pride and a person that he knows has shed much of the overt damage of his early years.  He has been reborn a second time, in the image of his Savior.

He pauses one last time to consider "What if?" and then steps away knowing that the little boy of those early years is immensely proud of today's man, but the two shall never meet.  The little boy's time passed many years ago and transformation of his badly broken successor continues to this day.  Through these hardships and the immeasurable losses of self, identity and connection, a man capable of helping and supporting others is born.  He stops for a second and ponders "What if this had not been his path?" and "what if he had not accepted the challenges of his path?"  Who would be there for those in need?

I would rather be a Penguin

Watching an amazing rescue operation in SA with 10s of thousands of penguins and hundreds of dedicated professionals and volunteers.
The penguins are given every medical, nutritional and emotional care available.

Think how different the world would be if we did this for all survivors of child sexual abuse. Sometime I wish I could be penguins.

Dads can teach without using words

A Dad's behavior towards his wife and daughters shows a daughter (and all her friends!) how she should expect to be treated by a man. Set the bar high Dads, so she chooses a friends and a mate using the right standard. Be so kind and respectful, that crude, disrespectful or abusive behavior is immediately offensive and she separates from those that act that way towards her or others.

A Dad's behavior towards the women in his life also shows a son the respect and honor he should show to a lady. Here again Dads, set the bar high so he represents the best a man can be and attracts the finest women of faith and integrity.

The Promises We Make....

Child sexual abuse is the epitome of physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual violation.  While enduring the attacks many of us make promises to ourselves.  It is a way to comfort ourselves, knowing that when we "have the power" we will exercise it consistent with our promises.  The sad part is that the promises are made by boys and girls too young to understand the true implications.  After a while, the actual process of making the promise is forgotten and the preservation of that promise is kept whole by actions orchestrated by our subconscious.  The promises reflect the invasion of our boundaries and our inability to protect ourselves.  They also reflect the egregious violation of trust that takes place.
What are your promises?
     I will never trust another person.
     I will never love another person.
     I will never enjoy the affectionate touch of another person.
     I will never allow myself to enjoy sexual intimacy.
     I will never share my feelings with another.
     I will never be vulnerable with anyone.
     I will use masks to protect my true persona and never take them off
     No one will meet my standard for being a true friend
     No one will ever see me cry.
     I will always be in absolute control.
     I will be perfect so no one sees the real damage in me.
     I will always wear a smile, so no one suspects the depression I hide.

I am sure others can add many more.  As we heal, it is important to think and talk through the process of understanding what promises we made to ourselves in the agony and rage of sexual violation.  It is not healthy for us to carry these for life.  They distort each relationship we try to have and leave us with a life half lived. Thoughtfully and intentionally abandoning our promises can be a difficult process, but one that opens the mind and heart to love, happiness and intimacy.