The prayer of a victim of child sexual abuse
“Dear Lord I pray that today you will make me invisible.”
Growing up in a world of child sexual abuse, I was preoccupied with being so invisible that I never attracted attention. It was a challenging path. You want to fit in. You want to be part of groups and teams. You want to have friends. But at the same time, you want to keep your inner self hidden. You want your story to be your own silent movie. You dread the time when others will know. You fear the time when your distorted sense of right and wrong will surface in the most embarrassing ways possible.
You develop scripts for conversations to avoid the risks of vulnerability that openness and honesty could bring. Everything gets analyzed and everything gets planned. At the first signs of a “personal” discussion-you head for sports and front page news.
Silence and isolation become your friend. They offer a place of safety with no judgment. They come quickly to your rescue. Over time, they help you build strong and impenetrable walls. The adult cannot afford the vulnerability of youth because the stakes of job, family, etc. are higher. The longer the secret is held, the more powerful the fear of exposure. In the end, you sacrifice joy, friendship, intimacy and other life-fulfilling pleasures to keep those walls in tact.
There are frequent triggers that remind you of the urgency of your protective mission. It can be a voice, a smell, an event, a person or a place that transports you quickly back to the sensations and world of sexual abuse. You rush quickly to those old friends, silence and isolation, and are thankful that they protect you once again.
The break for me came while listening to TV interview of Frank Fitzpatrick. I haven’t met Frank, but he is certainly one of my heroes. When I heard him interviewed about the sexual abuse he suffered at the hands of Father James Porter, the switch was flipped and my eyes opened. That single event began a torrent of very ugly memories. At times overwhelming, they seemed to never stop, as the actions of one predator after another paraded themselves through my consciousness.
While I suspect that the journey of healing never ends, That TV interview and the many steps and events that followed have brought me out of my emotional cave, helped me replace the impervious walls with appropriate physical, emotional and spiritual boundaries. This process has strengthened my faith and my self-esteem. It has allowed me to have true friends and joy in my life. It has allowed me to shed the persistent depression that has been with me my entire life.
I believe this transformation is possible for any and all survivors of child sexual abuse. For me a TV interview was the starting gun for my renewal. I hope an pray that I and my story can be that starter for others.
Friday, December 16, 2011
TRUTH & TRAUMA
I woke up this morning and there it was again. Over the 60 years since my sexual abuse started it has happened many times, although less frequently as my emotional and spiritual healing has taken place. I am talking about the sensation of being sodomized. It is one of the reminders of uglier times. For decades the sensation triggered fear, anxiety, rage and an appetite for vengeance. Today I feel none of those, only a renewed commitment to my participation in programs to protect children and help adults heal form the evil of child sexual abuse.
It is my prayer that, if Jerry Sandusky is guilty he will stand this one time as a man and admit the horrifying damage he has caused. He will not deny and rape the integrity of these boys again in the public eye by calling them liars and making them face him down in a court of law. He will not accept freedom on some vague technicality. If he is guilty, he destroyed the innocence of their youth and strewed them along his path of perversion. If he is a survivor of child sexual abuse himself, he fully understands the trauma and damage he has caused. If he is guilty, his life has been a complete and total lie, his marriage has been a lie and the real focus of his life has been to destroy the very essence of who other young men are. Lest there be any doubt, he will receive justice for his actions as proscribed in Jeremiah 17:9-10.
The truth can be their first step in true healing for these many boys, and even for Jerry Sandusky.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
THe first step of TRUST
For the victim of child sexual abuse the most damaging and persistent negative impact is the inability to trust. Certainly there are many self-destructive behaviors that result and without question your boundaries are very distorted, but in my opinion trust is at the foundation of your personality and all your relations, without exception.
As I grew from childhood into adulthood, I trusted absolutely no one. I had friends, but my friends never had me. There was no time when I felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable or let another person into the emotional cave where I hid. God brought some very special people into my life so that this could change.
Some of those people were in the Support Group at Johnson Ferry Baptist Church in Marietta, GA. It was there that I truly understood that I was not alone. I heard the tragic stories of other men and women and realized that it made no difference if it was a man or a woman, if the abuse happened one time or thousands over years, the damage was much the same. In that group we showed each other the true meaning of trust and what it looks like in real life. We talked openly about struggles, fears and our path so far. We found that each, in a different way, had been programmed by the predators, and those around us that turned a blind eye, to see the worst, expect the worst and not accept joy, affection, love or appreciation, because we were clearly unworthy and undeserving.
We talked about the negative tapes that play over and over in our minds, triggered often by a voice, a smell, a word or a tone of voice. We were quickly back in the body of the abused little boy or girl, searching for the mental and emotional hiding place where we lived as kids. We learned to replace those tapes with the love, affection and trust we shared in that group.
All of this discussion was the foundation for learning to properly build trust. It started with introspection of our own personal boundaries. Having been sexually molested by at least 8 different men and held down and raped by a young woman before I was 13, helped create a boundary system where just about anything was not only OK, but encouraged. As I grew up, I knew they were distorted and as a result I replaced them with huge, solid walls. They kept everyone and all emotion out. Needless to say, this didn't work very well either. Over the last few years, as I have rebuilt those boundaries, I have learned how to allow in love, openness, vulnerability, friendship and affection, without evil distortion. I have learned that no one crosses those boundaries without permission, not even me. Once I had appropriate boundaries in place, TRUST came much easier. I understood clearly where I started and stopped and where others began (emotionally, physically, spiritually) and I appreciated the significance of that separation. I also learned that I needed to recheck relationships and behaviors from time to time to be sure that the boundaries were not creeping or behaviors edging across the line.
The path from Victim to Victor is a lifelong journey and each positive step is a cause for joy and celebration in itself.
As I grew from childhood into adulthood, I trusted absolutely no one. I had friends, but my friends never had me. There was no time when I felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable or let another person into the emotional cave where I hid. God brought some very special people into my life so that this could change.
Some of those people were in the Support Group at Johnson Ferry Baptist Church in Marietta, GA. It was there that I truly understood that I was not alone. I heard the tragic stories of other men and women and realized that it made no difference if it was a man or a woman, if the abuse happened one time or thousands over years, the damage was much the same. In that group we showed each other the true meaning of trust and what it looks like in real life. We talked openly about struggles, fears and our path so far. We found that each, in a different way, had been programmed by the predators, and those around us that turned a blind eye, to see the worst, expect the worst and not accept joy, affection, love or appreciation, because we were clearly unworthy and undeserving.
We talked about the negative tapes that play over and over in our minds, triggered often by a voice, a smell, a word or a tone of voice. We were quickly back in the body of the abused little boy or girl, searching for the mental and emotional hiding place where we lived as kids. We learned to replace those tapes with the love, affection and trust we shared in that group.
All of this discussion was the foundation for learning to properly build trust. It started with introspection of our own personal boundaries. Having been sexually molested by at least 8 different men and held down and raped by a young woman before I was 13, helped create a boundary system where just about anything was not only OK, but encouraged. As I grew up, I knew they were distorted and as a result I replaced them with huge, solid walls. They kept everyone and all emotion out. Needless to say, this didn't work very well either. Over the last few years, as I have rebuilt those boundaries, I have learned how to allow in love, openness, vulnerability, friendship and affection, without evil distortion. I have learned that no one crosses those boundaries without permission, not even me. Once I had appropriate boundaries in place, TRUST came much easier. I understood clearly where I started and stopped and where others began (emotionally, physically, spiritually) and I appreciated the significance of that separation. I also learned that I needed to recheck relationships and behaviors from time to time to be sure that the boundaries were not creeping or behaviors edging across the line.
The path from Victim to Victor is a lifelong journey and each positive step is a cause for joy and celebration in itself.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Did you Know? Child sexual abuse by the numbers!!
CDC statistics say that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually molested before age 18.
These numbers are based on a survey where the CDC asked the following question:
There are 38,000,000 boys and 36,000,000 girls in the USA under the age of 18.
If CDC statistics remain accurate (it is frequently accepted that they understate the true frequency) then American society will generate about 17,000,000 new adult survivors of child sexual abuse over the next 18 years. That is about 853,000 per year or slightly less than 100/hour every hour of every day for 18 years.
There are about 39,000,000 adults survivors of child sexual abuse in the USA-This equals the combined population of Florida, Georgia, South Carolina and Alabama.
The average age at which a child is introduced to pornography is 11.
55% of children are exposed to pornography by age 15
In a No-Porn.com survey 40,000 men
These numbers are based on a survey where the CDC asked the following question:
Has an adult or person at least 5 years olderever touched or fondled you in a sexual way, or had you touch their body in a sexual way, or attempted oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you, or actually had oral, anal or vaginal intercourse
with you?
In response to this question–
24.7% of girls said YES
16.0% of boys said YES
There are 38,000,000 boys and 36,000,000 girls in the USA under the age of 18.
If CDC statistics remain accurate (it is frequently accepted that they understate the true frequency) then American society will generate about 17,000,000 new adult survivors of child sexual abuse over the next 18 years. That is about 853,000 per year or slightly less than 100/hour every hour of every day for 18 years.
There are about 39,000,000 adults survivors of child sexual abuse in the USA-This equals the combined population of Florida, Georgia, South Carolina and Alabama.
The average age at which a child is introduced to pornography is 11.
55% of children are exposed to pornography by age 15
In a No-Porn.com survey 40,000 men
75% said they were addicted to pornography.
62% said they never told anyone about their addiction.
52% said they view porn daily.
85% of men, incarcerated for possession of child pornography, admitted to sexual contact with a child.
In the USA Every SECOND
- $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography.
- 28,258 internet users are viewing pornography
- 372 internet users are typing adult search terms into search engines.
•17% of women are addicted to pornography and "It is believed that 70% of women involved in pornography are survivors of incest or child sexual abuse."
“The majority of nude pictures that boys view on their cell phones are of girls they know. "
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Choose the Road you Travel
A survivor of child sexual abuse is trained and brainwashed to believe that they cannot make good decisions for themselves. During the period of abuse, the predator goes to great effort to subtly and deceitfully convince the victim that they are both responsible and complicit in the behavior and that, even though the victim is a child, the acts are consensual. As a result, the victim takes on the emotional baggage of the predator and this is a major hurdle in the healing process. It makes forgiveness all the more difficult.
If one is complicit in the evil your sense of self is severely damaged. On some level, you see your self as you see the predator, saturated in deceit and lies. The end result is frequently the build up of rage and self hate that turns into self destructive behaviors. I had never heard the term “non-suicidal self injury” until I started to understand my past and the drivers for my behavior.
One of the most difficult steps in healing was to separate my behavior and my responsibilities from those of the predator. Layered on top of that was the complication of being a child with the emotional and mental capabilities of a child. In time I understood that I had no power, no control and no method of escape. As a result, I had no real accountability for those events that so deeply damaged me and set my personal values on a collision course with society.
To heal, I had to be truly and completely free of the control and influence of the predators. In many cases, I was allowing men who had been dead for years to continue to control my life. It was then that I realized that I needed to forgive all my predators, and do so without any reservation what so ever, As long as I carried the anger, rage taste for vengeance towards them, it ate at my soul and discolored every aspect of me. It took me time to understand that forgiveness did not release them from accountability, but released me from holding them accountable. It didn’t release them from the prospects of an excruciating final judgment and consequences, but removed from my hands the role of judge, jury and executioner. It reminded me that my life is littered with much failure of my own making and that the extent to which I will be forgiven for those actions will be measured based on how forgiving my heart is to others.
So forgiveness does not relieve the perpetrator of his/her accountability, it is not a license for more abuse; it is not prideful and not driven by self-interest. It must come from the heart, must understand that none of us knows the inner workings of another’s mind and, therefore, cannot judge the intent or evil of their actions. We see only the surface. Only God sees the entire picture and can make the perfect judgment.
If our hands are always prepared for violence and rage, you cannot offer peace, love and friendship to those around us. The rage is frequently waiting just under the surface. If your mind is preoccupied with vengeance, there is not time or capacity to enjoy the moment or the love and affection of others.
Letting go, means not carrying the rage and desire for vengeance into every relationship, mood, decision and action. Only then was I free to be ME, and be a me that I could love and respect.
I am me. I wanted to be someone else, but they were all taken. The process of healing has taught me to love and appreciate being me.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
I believe we have found ONE man!
That brings us to Sandusky and Fine. Do they have enough money to take the same path? Will we once again see Jerry Sandusky sitting on his deck, binoculars in hand, watching out for the safety of the children in the elementary school play area?
Now we have a new face in the mix and his name is Zach Tomaselli. No one can condone what he did in Lewiston, Maine, but the fact that he has chosen to take responsibility for his actions in the form of a confession and validation of the words of the victim is refreshing. We actually have a man skipping the the tactics of verbal warfare and litigation technicalities and helping his victim heal by simply being honest.
"Tomaselli said he and the victim disagree on some details but most of the accusations were true. He said he fondled the boy once when the boy was 13 and a couple more times when he was 14. “Pretty much everything he said is absolutely right,” Tomaselli said."
Tomaselli will pay his debt to society, his victim will start his path to healing now, and at the same time the posturing and legal maneuvering around Sandusky and Fine continue to rape and abuse the victims in the public eye. I pray that justice finds an equally excruciating penalty for these two if, and when, they are found guilty.
