A Boy experiences the Emotions of a Man

I was asked to write an article about the impact on a young boy being raped by a woman.  We frequently view a boy who is raped by a woman as "hitting the lotto". This blog is intended to bring a little reality to that perspective and show how a boy is changed and his values distorted. Maybe it is time we considered this rape as a REAL crime and not a rite of passage. My first thought was to discuss it in practical, almost clinical, terms.  The following approach for me seemed to capture the life changing effect in a more real way.  Would love to have comments back.

A Boy experiences the Emotions of a Man:

I was 12 when I got my first car.  I didn’t even know the beautiful girl that gave it to me.  She was a older, maybe 8-10 years, maybe more.  Her gift surprised me because it was a bright yellow and spanking new Maserati.  I had never seen anything like it before and told her I wasn’t old enough to drive and didn’t have a license- she said not to worry.  I told her my parents would be furious, and she said we just wouldn’t tell them.  I got behind the wheel and felt grown up and like a king!  Her warm touch reinforced that I was man enough for this adventure. I drove it, and drove it fast, but only in secret.  I started to lie to friends and family, so they wouldn’t know, but I would have done anything to continue driving my Maserati. It was a thrill and an exhilaration I had never felt before.

Right after I turned 16, I went to meet her and drive again, but there was only a note at our meeting place “Dear John, I have met another and am giving my Maserati to him. “  She didn’t even sign it or say she cared.

I lived in emotional turmoil for days and weeks after that.  I couldn’t tell anyone, because that would expose my secret and all the lies.  The memories of the supercharged emotions I felt while driving the Maserati sustained me for a while, but I needed a REAL replacement.  I looked everywhere for that replacement.

Since I had no money, I couldn’t rent a replacement and so I started buying Maserati magazines and reading about them all the time.  Pretty quickly, I became addicted to the magazines and had to look at them every day.  I kept them hidden, for fear of my secret life being exposed.  The more I read the more I fantasized about having a Maserati again. I test-drove every car I could get my hands on, even if I had to bribe and cajole the owner, but nothing compared to that Maserati.  Cars were objects to me and the only thing I cared about was whether they could measure up to that first experience. The first Maserati felt like a “love affair”, but after that there was no emotion only an overpowering need to be filled.

I finally made a commitment to a car just for me.  It was a Honda Accord, which was a really nice car, but definitely not a Maserati.  Every time I drove it, I thought of the Maserati.  I gave my Honda the care it required, but never the attention it deserved. My mind was forever tied to that first drive and the powerful emotions it created. It established a standard for emotional experiences that I could never repeat and, throughout my life, gave me a sense of inadequacy and loss.  Even 20, 30, and 40 years later, I was still dreaming and fanaticizing about that Maserati.  That first ride had made my entire life seem downhill and a sad failure.

The Story between the lines:

I didn’t win the lotto and it definitely did not make me a man or a better man. I didn’t realize I was being seduced and used from the very first moment.  Promiscuity didn’t help and pornography didn’t help either. I didn’t realize until too late that I was simply an object to her, a conquest to make. She left me comparing every intimate moment in my life to that of a naïve 12-year-old boy.  She left me feeling stupid and embarrassed, untrusting and fearful of intimate relationships, because nothing could match the standard of that first moment or the despair of  subsequently being discarded.  Love, intimacy and affection were all measured against the same standard, since I had no understanding of how different they really were.  They required trust and I couldn’t.  They require commitment and I couldn’t. They were not meant to be sex, they were meant to be joyful experiences in themselves shared with another person-I simply missed all of that in life.

CO & CT--Not about Guns, but about Rage

"What goes into the mind, comes out in the life"

“That which dominates our imaginations and our thoughts will determine our lives, and our character. Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshipping we are becoming.”

The recent senseless slaughter of dozens of innocent people in Colorado and Connecticut has spawned a widespread discussion of gun control and how to stop random shootings. These events, and others like them, are so traumatic, words cannot adequately describe or explain them.  I submit all this talk about guns is a smokescreen devised by society and politicians to avoid dealing with more fundamental issues and causes that lie outside the realm of lawmaking. For starters, if the laws regarding gun control currently in place were enforced, perhaps we would see less gun violence. There are a number of factors that underlie the violence and rage associated with these events. To understand them is to understand the cause of the rampages. Some of these factors are:

First, America has adopted an anti-God paradigm, thereby invalidating for many the moral teaching of the Ten Commandments, for example. The new secular approach presents no cultural imperatives for behavior.   Instead, we teach our children that life, except for one's own, is pretty much a disposable entity. We have legalized abortion and call the destruction of unborn life a “choice.” We have adopted a healthcare program that appears designed to usher older Americans more quickly to the Promised Land, and call it “end of life planning.” If the sanctity of life is not honored, then terminating it carries few barriers of guilt or fear.

Second, our society casually disregards the marriage commitment of “Till death do us part.” With a divorce rate exceeding 50 percent, marriage, just as with unborn children and the elderly, has become disposable. Rarely do we read about the impact of divorce on children—their pain, their behaviors, and their perception of themselves as the guilty ones. In most cases, we hear that children are resilient, or that the divorce creates a “better environment” for them. The statistics below, however, tell another story. They highlight the connection between fatherless homes and the violent and self-destructive behaviors of affected children that result in self- and externally-focused violence.

Fatherless children represent:
•63% of teen suicide
•70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions
•71% of high school dropouts
•75% of children in chemical abuse centers
•80% of rapists
•85% of youths in prison
•85% of children with exhibit behavioral disorders
•90% of homeless and runaway children

 A question that may be far more important than how to control guns would be how to stabilize and restore the unity and integrity of the family.

The third factor that is an underlying driver of violence in our society is the pestilence of child sexual abuse. We love our whales and gerbils, and we don’t hesitate to stand up, speak out, and make our voices heard at the slightest hint these creatures might be mistreated. We need the same courage and determination to protect our children, especially those who cannot speak for themselves. Statistics from the Center for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta reveal that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually molested before age 18. Estimates suggest there are 42,000,000 adult survivors of child sexual abuse in the USA today.  Survivors of child sexual abuse may suffer with any combination of the following destructive behaviors (and others not listed here):

ü   Shame, disgrace, silence, torment, confusion, distrust,
        self mutilation, marginal existence, isolation

ü   Drug and alcohol dependence (70-80%)

ü   Depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, eating disorders (80 – 90%)

ü    Suicidal thoughts/attempts (20-30%)

ü    Difficulty forming long-term relationships

ü    Sexual promiscuity that leads to teen pregnancy (60%)

ü    Prostitution (>90% have been sexually abused)

ü    70-80% of serial rapists report they were sexually abused as children 

The sexual violation of a child in any form can be a powerful driver for the anger and violence that leads a few to act out in the most visible and tragic ways. 

Last, society becomes preoccupied with catastrophic events like the Colorado or Connecticut shootings, but let me tell you about another kind of murder of innocents.  This event passed quietly on the news and rarely got the visibility that is reserved for gory and sensational events. John Burbine was indicted on 100 charges of sexually violating the children his wife was hired to care for (click for details on Wakefield Sexual Assaults). She knew he was a registered sex offender and, it appears, he “cared” for only very young children with no capacity to speak, videotaping the abuse perpetrated on children between 8 days old and 3 years old; there may be many more victims to surface and more charges to be filed.

These are murders that leave the children alive and carrying no visible scars, but damaged for a lifetime. In 5, 10, or 15 years, they may exhibit the behaviors listed above, and society will label them “bad kids.” Maybe in that group is the next Adam Lanza. There have been no placards, tears, flowers, or candles for these children.  John Burbine didn't need a gun to murder the innocence of those children. Remember, there are an estimated 42,000,000 adults survivors of child sexual abuse in the USA and there are many John Burbines among us.

We always want the quick fix and outrage about guns is an easy place to go. There are no easy or quick solutions. We treat the symptoms when we deal with guns. We address the root problems if we deal with the source of the anger and rage that makes it OK for a person to take lives randomly and without mercy. The real solution lies in a more serious focus in our educational system on learning basic life skills. Just as we have a Physics teacher teach our kids Physics, we need a comprehensive and professional approach to teaching “Life Skills.” As an example, children learn communication, interpersonal negotiation and anger management from parents-by observing.  In most cases, parents do not even realize they are teaching these skills. In many cases their skills, learned from parents who were equally ill equipped for the role of teacher.  As a result, the teaching is always 1-2 generations behind the needs of the day.
Authored by: Tom Scales

Award Winning Author, Speaker and Child Advocate

Co-Founder, The Innocence Revolution

Standing in The Gap

VOICE Today held a prayer breakfast on November 10 and the topic was Standing In The Gap for Survivors of Child sexual abuse.  I would ask each of you to think about this for a moment.

Are you too afraid of what others might think to stand up against child sexual abuse?

Are you too afraid of what others might think to walk into a class to learn about the behaviors of a predator?

Are you too afraid to apply what you learn and be a vigilant protector of all the children in your world?

Are you afraid to take action and speak out when you see behavior that is suspicious?

Child sexual abuse will only stop when all of us Stand in the Gap and protect kids.  It can only stop if we are an informed society that understands the behavior of a predator and has the courage to act.

CDC in Atlanta projects that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually molested before age 18.  We, as a country, are doing a horrifyingly poor job of protecting our children. 

BECOME EMPOWERED!!
Reading this and passing it on to your contacts is a first step.  The second step is to connect with organizations, such as VOICE Today, TAALK, Darkness to Light or your local child advocacy center and arrange for training for your community, so you are prepared to educate/protect children and be a voice of protection for them.

Join  WWW.THEINNOCENCEREVOLUTION.NET to help educate adults and protect children worldwide.

Serial Victims look for answers!!

It seems for many victims that the first violation is just the tip of the proverbial ice berg.  For myself I had 8 male perpetrators and one woman.  it seemed like every time i looked for safety, I found a willing predator ready to violate me until he got bored or found a more interesting prey.

I have heard this story many times from other survivors.  We all feel like we are somehow branded, which tells all predators not only that they can sexually violate us, but probably do it with impunity.  The first offense was violent and disgusting.  The second was by a priest I hoped would protect me from the first.  What I thought was care and healthy attention was really grooming, so he could have his turn.  When a second priest entered the picture, I thought I had been rescued, only to learn that they were really a team and the two of them got their sexual gratification by violating me in every way they could imagine.

At some point I thought this was my lot in life and that every kid went through it.  I simply shut down.  Somewhere, while being abused by the priests, I stopped being a person and became a thing.  I had no feelings, no tears, no expectations of a life that did not include sexual violence.

This blog is not to bemoan my situation, but to consider what happens to a child that makes them so vulnerable to the second, third and future predators. When a child tries to tell and is met with "Uncle Johnny would never do that". Grand pop wouldn't do that, you must be making it up"  or "Shame on you for saying such nasty things about your brother!!"

These mindless responses to a child, trying to express the most horrifying experiences of his life, tell him that there is no help, no one actually cares and there is nothing he can do to stop it.

There is nothing more important in the life of a child than protection by the responsible adults.  A safe enviroment allows them to grow, prosper, be a whole person and have healthy relationships.  Not experiencing the first violation as a child hopefully means that they will never experience violation. If you are reading this, learn what the behavior of a predator looks like, understand the signs that a child is in trouble--have the courage to to face down those that would ignore or minimize the harm of sexual abuse.

BSA leaders-Protectors of the Perversion Files!!

Among the list of cases in the perversion files was one where a child molester actually negotiated that, if the BSA would keep silent about the charges, he would resign.  This single case is at the heart of corrupted values in the Boy Scouts of America.

This is how the BSA self-describes itself:
"The Boy Scouts of America is one of the nation's largest and most prominent values-based youth development organizations. The BSA provides a program for young people that builds character, trains them in the responsibilities of participating citizenship, and develops personal fitness."

Let's see:

It is a "values-based" organization.

It provides programs that "build character"

and trains young people in the "responsibilities of participating citizenship"

This organization has been such a horrifying failure at living, much less teaching, these values,  that it should be shutdown and the non-profit status revoked.

Child sexual abuse can and has happened in many organizations.  I would never consider shutting down the BSA for that reason alone, although it might be possible to convert me to that position.

I would shut down the BSA and file criminal charges against every living person involved in the cover up, every person who knew about the abuse and took no action, and those that were enabling and the facilitating of child sexual abuse.

I would do the same with every person who knowingly and intentionally withheld case information related to claims and facts related to child sexual abuse in the BSA.  This would include all those involved in the extensive legal battle to "protect" the perversion files and in doing so protect the child molesters.

Have they ever given even a moments thought to the trauma suffered by the boys and how it has damaged their lives, their relationships, their sense of self.  Do they simply not care if these men, young and old, ever get the help they need.  Do they feel no obligation to help fill the gaps of "character, trustworthiness, etc. that were destroyed in the BSA.

The current leadership of the BSA has demonstrated by its actions that it cannot be trusted to self-regulate and all of their files and documents should be open to law enforcement so that the process of justice can begin. 

FROM THE BSA WEBSITE

"Leadership Selection

The Boy Scouts of America takes great pride in the quality of our adult leadership."

This is the top leadership that has fought tooth and nail, at tremendous cost, to protect the actual and accused sex offenders in their own perversion files.   This is TODAY's leadership!!!!

Bad Times in Boy Scouts

-->

Excerpt from Terrible Things Happened to Me: A True Story of Violence and Victory,  by Tom Scales  Pages 27-29.

Another attempt I made to find safety, while growing up, was joining the Cub Scouts. It was fun, interesting and a safe diversion from real life. In time, I graduated to the Boy Scouts and hoped and prayed that it, too, would be a safe haven where I could spend my time having some fun and adventures. The scout master was a close family friend so how could I go wrong? Everything was great in the beginning and I was excited as we headed out for my first camp experience. Unfortunately, this trip to Boy Scout Camp was to destroy any hope of safety or expectation of good times.

It started when the scoutmaster called me into his cabin. As I look back on that day, I see a small-statured, almost mousy-looking man with a whiny voice and a strong body odor smell about him. He told me I had to complete an initiation before he would allow me to be a full member of the troop. He said it was an important step that would show my commitment to him and the troop. I only had to do what he told me and I would be accepted forever. He added that the initiation was a secret process, and if I ever told anyone about it, I would be thrown out of the troop and branded a troublemaker. As he said it, I remembered my mother’s threatening words about obedience.

He told me to kneel down in the middle of his bed, and I did. He told me to slide down my pants and underpants, and I did. He told me to repeat, “O what an ass I am,” over and over and over again. When I said it quietly, he told me to speak up and say it loudly so that he knew I really believed it. I remember yelling those words as vividly as if it happened only yesterday. I no longer wanted to be a Boy Scout. He then started laughing at me and humiliating me for being so “tiny.” He insisted I come close to him so that I could see what the real thing looked like. He unzipped his pants and removed his erection and put my hands on it. He then told me, “Someday, you will be a man, like me,” and my Scout Master proceeded to do to me what predators do to little boys. This went on for over a year, and when I tried to quit scouts, I was told that “quitters never win and winners never quit.” Through this whole experience I shed no tears and felt absolutely nothing.

Tom Scales
Executive Director 
VOICE today, Inc.
 678-438-5944
Tom@voicetoday.org

"Negative Programming"

There have been many times in my life when a voice, a tone of voice, a color, the appearance of a person, a smell or some other element picked up by my senses reminded me vividly of the events of my child sexual abuse; It could happen anywhere and with out warning. Before I truly dealt with the issues of my abuse, these events triggered an almost instant regression to the little boy being violated and victimized by so many and in so many ways. The feelings were real and, in some ways, scarier than the actual events themselves. I was older and trying to understand what was happening.

It was not until I went to a support group for adult survivors of child sexual abuse and listened to the stories of others.One member wrote the words "negative programming " on the white board and it was an A-HA moment for many of us.It was then we realized that our reaction to many of these elements impacting our senses was as much habit as it was "real" regression. The abuse and the predators had in some way conditioned our minds to react a certain way. That was when I decided that I needed to reprogram my mind a bit.

My first step was to recognize when one of these events was starting.I then tried to look at it in the context of the moment, not the context of 30, 40, 50 years ago. I simply asked myself "why" was I reacting this way. I didn't want to. I was in no real danger.

The abuse drove me to both physical and emotional isolation, as much to get away from myself as from others.

As a child I thought I carried a sign that told all that I was vulnerable to sexual abuse. Once the actual abuse stopped,The nightmares and flashbacks kept it front and center in my mind, both conscious and subconscious.