"Negative Programming"

There have been many times in my life when a voice, a tone of voice, a color, the appearance of a person, a smell or some other element picked up by my senses reminded me vividly of the events of my child sexual abuse; It could happen anywhere and with out warning. Before I truly dealt with the issues of my abuse, these events triggered an almost instant regression to the little boy being violated and victimized by so many and in so many ways. The feelings were real and, in some ways, scarier than the actual events themselves. I was older and trying to understand what was happening.

It was not until I went to a support group for adult survivors of child sexual abuse and listened to the stories of others.One member wrote the words "negative programming " on the white board and it was an A-HA moment for many of us.It was then we realized that our reaction to many of these elements impacting our senses was as much habit as it was "real" regression. The abuse and the predators had in some way conditioned our minds to react a certain way. That was when I decided that I needed to reprogram my mind a bit.

My first step was to recognize when one of these events was starting.I then tried to look at it in the context of the moment, not the context of 30, 40, 50 years ago. I simply asked myself "why" was I reacting this way. I didn't want to. I was in no real danger.

The abuse drove me to both physical and emotional isolation, as much to get away from myself as from others.

As a child I thought I carried a sign that told all that I was vulnerable to sexual abuse. Once the actual abuse stopped,The nightmares and flashbacks kept it front and center in my mind, both conscious and subconscious.