Standing in The Gap

VOICE Today held a prayer breakfast on November 10 and the topic was Standing In The Gap for Survivors of Child sexual abuse.  I would ask each of you to think about this for a moment.

Are you too afraid of what others might think to stand up against child sexual abuse?

Are you too afraid of what others might think to walk into a class to learn about the behaviors of a predator?

Are you too afraid to apply what you learn and be a vigilant protector of all the children in your world?

Are you afraid to take action and speak out when you see behavior that is suspicious?

Child sexual abuse will only stop when all of us Stand in the Gap and protect kids.  It can only stop if we are an informed society that understands the behavior of a predator and has the courage to act.

CDC in Atlanta projects that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually molested before age 18.  We, as a country, are doing a horrifyingly poor job of protecting our children. 

BECOME EMPOWERED!!
Reading this and passing it on to your contacts is a first step.  The second step is to connect with organizations, such as VOICE Today, TAALK, Darkness to Light or your local child advocacy center and arrange for training for your community, so you are prepared to educate/protect children and be a voice of protection for them.

Join  WWW.THEINNOCENCEREVOLUTION.NET to help educate adults and protect children worldwide.

Serial Victims look for answers!!

It seems for many victims that the first violation is just the tip of the proverbial ice berg.  For myself I had 8 male perpetrators and one woman.  it seemed like every time i looked for safety, I found a willing predator ready to violate me until he got bored or found a more interesting prey.

I have heard this story many times from other survivors.  We all feel like we are somehow branded, which tells all predators not only that they can sexually violate us, but probably do it with impunity.  The first offense was violent and disgusting.  The second was by a priest I hoped would protect me from the first.  What I thought was care and healthy attention was really grooming, so he could have his turn.  When a second priest entered the picture, I thought I had been rescued, only to learn that they were really a team and the two of them got their sexual gratification by violating me in every way they could imagine.

At some point I thought this was my lot in life and that every kid went through it.  I simply shut down.  Somewhere, while being abused by the priests, I stopped being a person and became a thing.  I had no feelings, no tears, no expectations of a life that did not include sexual violence.

This blog is not to bemoan my situation, but to consider what happens to a child that makes them so vulnerable to the second, third and future predators. When a child tries to tell and is met with "Uncle Johnny would never do that". Grand pop wouldn't do that, you must be making it up"  or "Shame on you for saying such nasty things about your brother!!"

These mindless responses to a child, trying to express the most horrifying experiences of his life, tell him that there is no help, no one actually cares and there is nothing he can do to stop it.

There is nothing more important in the life of a child than protection by the responsible adults.  A safe enviroment allows them to grow, prosper, be a whole person and have healthy relationships.  Not experiencing the first violation as a child hopefully means that they will never experience violation. If you are reading this, learn what the behavior of a predator looks like, understand the signs that a child is in trouble--have the courage to to face down those that would ignore or minimize the harm of sexual abuse.

BSA leaders-Protectors of the Perversion Files!!

Among the list of cases in the perversion files was one where a child molester actually negotiated that, if the BSA would keep silent about the charges, he would resign.  This single case is at the heart of corrupted values in the Boy Scouts of America.

This is how the BSA self-describes itself:
"The Boy Scouts of America is one of the nation's largest and most prominent values-based youth development organizations. The BSA provides a program for young people that builds character, trains them in the responsibilities of participating citizenship, and develops personal fitness."

Let's see:

It is a "values-based" organization.

It provides programs that "build character"

and trains young people in the "responsibilities of participating citizenship"

This organization has been such a horrifying failure at living, much less teaching, these values,  that it should be shutdown and the non-profit status revoked.

Child sexual abuse can and has happened in many organizations.  I would never consider shutting down the BSA for that reason alone, although it might be possible to convert me to that position.

I would shut down the BSA and file criminal charges against every living person involved in the cover up, every person who knew about the abuse and took no action, and those that were enabling and the facilitating of child sexual abuse.

I would do the same with every person who knowingly and intentionally withheld case information related to claims and facts related to child sexual abuse in the BSA.  This would include all those involved in the extensive legal battle to "protect" the perversion files and in doing so protect the child molesters.

Have they ever given even a moments thought to the trauma suffered by the boys and how it has damaged their lives, their relationships, their sense of self.  Do they simply not care if these men, young and old, ever get the help they need.  Do they feel no obligation to help fill the gaps of "character, trustworthiness, etc. that were destroyed in the BSA.

The current leadership of the BSA has demonstrated by its actions that it cannot be trusted to self-regulate and all of their files and documents should be open to law enforcement so that the process of justice can begin. 

FROM THE BSA WEBSITE

"Leadership Selection

The Boy Scouts of America takes great pride in the quality of our adult leadership."

This is the top leadership that has fought tooth and nail, at tremendous cost, to protect the actual and accused sex offenders in their own perversion files.   This is TODAY's leadership!!!!

Bad Times in Boy Scouts

-->

Excerpt from Terrible Things Happened to Me: A True Story of Violence and Victory,  by Tom Scales  Pages 27-29.

Another attempt I made to find safety, while growing up, was joining the Cub Scouts. It was fun, interesting and a safe diversion from real life. In time, I graduated to the Boy Scouts and hoped and prayed that it, too, would be a safe haven where I could spend my time having some fun and adventures. The scout master was a close family friend so how could I go wrong? Everything was great in the beginning and I was excited as we headed out for my first camp experience. Unfortunately, this trip to Boy Scout Camp was to destroy any hope of safety or expectation of good times.

It started when the scoutmaster called me into his cabin. As I look back on that day, I see a small-statured, almost mousy-looking man with a whiny voice and a strong body odor smell about him. He told me I had to complete an initiation before he would allow me to be a full member of the troop. He said it was an important step that would show my commitment to him and the troop. I only had to do what he told me and I would be accepted forever. He added that the initiation was a secret process, and if I ever told anyone about it, I would be thrown out of the troop and branded a troublemaker. As he said it, I remembered my mother’s threatening words about obedience.

He told me to kneel down in the middle of his bed, and I did. He told me to slide down my pants and underpants, and I did. He told me to repeat, “O what an ass I am,” over and over and over again. When I said it quietly, he told me to speak up and say it loudly so that he knew I really believed it. I remember yelling those words as vividly as if it happened only yesterday. I no longer wanted to be a Boy Scout. He then started laughing at me and humiliating me for being so “tiny.” He insisted I come close to him so that I could see what the real thing looked like. He unzipped his pants and removed his erection and put my hands on it. He then told me, “Someday, you will be a man, like me,” and my Scout Master proceeded to do to me what predators do to little boys. This went on for over a year, and when I tried to quit scouts, I was told that “quitters never win and winners never quit.” Through this whole experience I shed no tears and felt absolutely nothing.

Tom Scales
Executive Director 
VOICE today, Inc.
 678-438-5944
Tom@voicetoday.org

"Negative Programming"

There have been many times in my life when a voice, a tone of voice, a color, the appearance of a person, a smell or some other element picked up by my senses reminded me vividly of the events of my child sexual abuse; It could happen anywhere and with out warning. Before I truly dealt with the issues of my abuse, these events triggered an almost instant regression to the little boy being violated and victimized by so many and in so many ways. The feelings were real and, in some ways, scarier than the actual events themselves. I was older and trying to understand what was happening.

It was not until I went to a support group for adult survivors of child sexual abuse and listened to the stories of others.One member wrote the words "negative programming " on the white board and it was an A-HA moment for many of us.It was then we realized that our reaction to many of these elements impacting our senses was as much habit as it was "real" regression. The abuse and the predators had in some way conditioned our minds to react a certain way. That was when I decided that I needed to reprogram my mind a bit.

My first step was to recognize when one of these events was starting.I then tried to look at it in the context of the moment, not the context of 30, 40, 50 years ago. I simply asked myself "why" was I reacting this way. I didn't want to. I was in no real danger.

The abuse drove me to both physical and emotional isolation, as much to get away from myself as from others.

As a child I thought I carried a sign that told all that I was vulnerable to sexual abuse. Once the actual abuse stopped,The nightmares and flashbacks kept it front and center in my mind, both conscious and subconscious.

Pondering Shame

I am in a Linked In group called Parenting 2.0 and one of the discussions is around "creating" yourself, rather than "finding" yourself. I think this is particularly apropos for survivors of child sexual abuse. In many, if not most cases, our memories are gone, our morals are corrupted and our emotional development is stunted. It seems to me that I kept silent and suffered inside because I was horrified by what was happening to me, and felt I had no power for self-protection and no adults who would stand for me. Once I reached a certain age, the perpetrators no longer perpetrated, but the memories lingered on in living color. Then began the second phase of child sexual abuse. Most of the coping mechanisms I had as a child were serious character flaws in the adult. At some point, the abuse itself, except for the nightmares, needed less and less power. That evil force was replaced by my own self-judgement of my own behaviors. I had moved from being shamed by what others had done to how I was living.

To heal, I needed to "recreate" myself, and that is what I did, although, I am not sure I realized it at the time. One step was to intimately understand and accept that I had not responsibility for the abuse, regardless of what i was told at the time. The next important step started with a simple statement made in one of our support groups--"We need to be constantly aware of "negative programming"." It was then I realized that I would have adult experiences, they would trigger a certain fear or anxiety, and I would replay old tapes in my head. i was responding to these adult situations with the tools of a child. This in turn gave me a fresh batch of memories and images that caused me great shame. I am certainly not "fixed" today, but, with God's grace, I have disabled some programs, modified others and replaced some. We cannot change our past, be it the abuse or the behavior, but we can change today and the future to be the person that we choose to be and that God destines us to be.

Child Sexual Abuse and Greiving

As a survivor of child sexual abuse, I look back and frequently say "What if?".  Interestingly enough, I never have given myself time to grieve what are probably losses similar to a friend’s death or other tragic event.  Certainly, there is no answer to the "What if?" and maybe it is not an answer I seek.  It is true realization and acceptance of the fact that predators entered my life, stole my innocence and my sense of self and I have never cried or grieved over the death of that person.  It was a death in every sense of the word, which then gave life to another person occupying my body.  For decades the "other" person was a fabrication and, in some ways, is still a fabrication today.  As one boy died, his childhood and memories died with him, only to be replaced with new stories, most often filled with violence and evil.  When the little boy died, his values and mores died with him.  They, in turn, were replaced by the distortions of the sexual violation and the manipulation of the predators. These distortions and the violation have impacted every relationship I have ever had, no exceptions.

So we fast forward to today, we see a man of 69 years.  He has been blessed with the opportunity to find healing.  He has been blessed with trustworthy friends and colleagues, who have helped as he rebuilt his values and his life.  Their help has come without cost and without judgment or criticism. Today, he sees in the mirror a person he loves, a person in whom he has great pride and a person that he knows has shed much of the overt damage of his early years.  He has been reborn a second time, in the image of his Savior.

He pauses one last time to consider "What if?" and then steps away knowing that the little boy of those early years is immensely proud of today's man, but the two shall never meet.  The little boy's time passed many years ago and transformation of his badly broken successor continues to this day.  Through these hardships and the immeasurable losses of self, identity and connection, a man capable of helping and supporting others is born.  He stops for a second and ponders "What if this had not been his path?" and "what if he had not accepted the challenges of his path?"  Who would be there for those in need?