CO & CT--Not about Guns, but about Rage

"What goes into the mind, comes out in the life"

“That which dominates our imaginations and our thoughts will determine our lives, and our character. Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshipping we are becoming.”

The recent senseless slaughter of dozens of innocent people in Colorado and Connecticut has spawned a widespread discussion of gun control and how to stop random shootings. These events, and others like them, are so traumatic, words cannot adequately describe or explain them.  I submit all this talk about guns is a smokescreen devised by society and politicians to avoid dealing with more fundamental issues and causes that lie outside the realm of lawmaking. For starters, if the laws regarding gun control currently in place were enforced, perhaps we would see less gun violence. There are a number of factors that underlie the violence and rage associated with these events. To understand them is to understand the cause of the rampages. Some of these factors are:

First, America has adopted an anti-God paradigm, thereby invalidating for many the moral teaching of the Ten Commandments, for example. The new secular approach presents no cultural imperatives for behavior.   Instead, we teach our children that life, except for one's own, is pretty much a disposable entity. We have legalized abortion and call the destruction of unborn life a “choice.” We have adopted a healthcare program that appears designed to usher older Americans more quickly to the Promised Land, and call it “end of life planning.” If the sanctity of life is not honored, then terminating it carries few barriers of guilt or fear.

Second, our society casually disregards the marriage commitment of “Till death do us part.” With a divorce rate exceeding 50 percent, marriage, just as with unborn children and the elderly, has become disposable. Rarely do we read about the impact of divorce on children—their pain, their behaviors, and their perception of themselves as the guilty ones. In most cases, we hear that children are resilient, or that the divorce creates a “better environment” for them. The statistics below, however, tell another story. They highlight the connection between fatherless homes and the violent and self-destructive behaviors of affected children that result in self- and externally-focused violence.

Fatherless children represent:
•63% of teen suicide
•70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions
•71% of high school dropouts
•75% of children in chemical abuse centers
•80% of rapists
•85% of youths in prison
•85% of children with exhibit behavioral disorders
•90% of homeless and runaway children

 A question that may be far more important than how to control guns would be how to stabilize and restore the unity and integrity of the family.

The third factor that is an underlying driver of violence in our society is the pestilence of child sexual abuse. We love our whales and gerbils, and we don’t hesitate to stand up, speak out, and make our voices heard at the slightest hint these creatures might be mistreated. We need the same courage and determination to protect our children, especially those who cannot speak for themselves. Statistics from the Center for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta reveal that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually molested before age 18. Estimates suggest there are 42,000,000 adult survivors of child sexual abuse in the USA today.  Survivors of child sexual abuse may suffer with any combination of the following destructive behaviors (and others not listed here):

ü   Shame, disgrace, silence, torment, confusion, distrust,
        self mutilation, marginal existence, isolation

ü   Drug and alcohol dependence (70-80%)

ü   Depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, eating disorders (80 – 90%)

ü    Suicidal thoughts/attempts (20-30%)

ü    Difficulty forming long-term relationships

ü    Sexual promiscuity that leads to teen pregnancy (60%)

ü    Prostitution (>90% have been sexually abused)

ü    70-80% of serial rapists report they were sexually abused as children 

The sexual violation of a child in any form can be a powerful driver for the anger and violence that leads a few to act out in the most visible and tragic ways. 

Last, society becomes preoccupied with catastrophic events like the Colorado or Connecticut shootings, but let me tell you about another kind of murder of innocents.  This event passed quietly on the news and rarely got the visibility that is reserved for gory and sensational events. John Burbine was indicted on 100 charges of sexually violating the children his wife was hired to care for (click for details on Wakefield Sexual Assaults). She knew he was a registered sex offender and, it appears, he “cared” for only very young children with no capacity to speak, videotaping the abuse perpetrated on children between 8 days old and 3 years old; there may be many more victims to surface and more charges to be filed.

These are murders that leave the children alive and carrying no visible scars, but damaged for a lifetime. In 5, 10, or 15 years, they may exhibit the behaviors listed above, and society will label them “bad kids.” Maybe in that group is the next Adam Lanza. There have been no placards, tears, flowers, or candles for these children.  John Burbine didn't need a gun to murder the innocence of those children. Remember, there are an estimated 42,000,000 adults survivors of child sexual abuse in the USA and there are many John Burbines among us.

We always want the quick fix and outrage about guns is an easy place to go. There are no easy or quick solutions. We treat the symptoms when we deal with guns. We address the root problems if we deal with the source of the anger and rage that makes it OK for a person to take lives randomly and without mercy. The real solution lies in a more serious focus in our educational system on learning basic life skills. Just as we have a Physics teacher teach our kids Physics, we need a comprehensive and professional approach to teaching “Life Skills.” As an example, children learn communication, interpersonal negotiation and anger management from parents-by observing.  In most cases, parents do not even realize they are teaching these skills. In many cases their skills, learned from parents who were equally ill equipped for the role of teacher.  As a result, the teaching is always 1-2 generations behind the needs of the day.
Authored by: Tom Scales

Award Winning Author, Speaker and Child Advocate

Co-Founder, The Innocence Revolution

Standing in The Gap

VOICE Today held a prayer breakfast on November 10 and the topic was Standing In The Gap for Survivors of Child sexual abuse.  I would ask each of you to think about this for a moment.

Are you too afraid of what others might think to stand up against child sexual abuse?

Are you too afraid of what others might think to walk into a class to learn about the behaviors of a predator?

Are you too afraid to apply what you learn and be a vigilant protector of all the children in your world?

Are you afraid to take action and speak out when you see behavior that is suspicious?

Child sexual abuse will only stop when all of us Stand in the Gap and protect kids.  It can only stop if we are an informed society that understands the behavior of a predator and has the courage to act.

CDC in Atlanta projects that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually molested before age 18.  We, as a country, are doing a horrifyingly poor job of protecting our children. 

BECOME EMPOWERED!!
Reading this and passing it on to your contacts is a first step.  The second step is to connect with organizations, such as VOICE Today, TAALK, Darkness to Light or your local child advocacy center and arrange for training for your community, so you are prepared to educate/protect children and be a voice of protection for them.

Join  WWW.THEINNOCENCEREVOLUTION.NET to help educate adults and protect children worldwide.

Serial Victims look for answers!!

It seems for many victims that the first violation is just the tip of the proverbial ice berg.  For myself I had 8 male perpetrators and one woman.  it seemed like every time i looked for safety, I found a willing predator ready to violate me until he got bored or found a more interesting prey.

I have heard this story many times from other survivors.  We all feel like we are somehow branded, which tells all predators not only that they can sexually violate us, but probably do it with impunity.  The first offense was violent and disgusting.  The second was by a priest I hoped would protect me from the first.  What I thought was care and healthy attention was really grooming, so he could have his turn.  When a second priest entered the picture, I thought I had been rescued, only to learn that they were really a team and the two of them got their sexual gratification by violating me in every way they could imagine.

At some point I thought this was my lot in life and that every kid went through it.  I simply shut down.  Somewhere, while being abused by the priests, I stopped being a person and became a thing.  I had no feelings, no tears, no expectations of a life that did not include sexual violence.

This blog is not to bemoan my situation, but to consider what happens to a child that makes them so vulnerable to the second, third and future predators. When a child tries to tell and is met with "Uncle Johnny would never do that". Grand pop wouldn't do that, you must be making it up"  or "Shame on you for saying such nasty things about your brother!!"

These mindless responses to a child, trying to express the most horrifying experiences of his life, tell him that there is no help, no one actually cares and there is nothing he can do to stop it.

There is nothing more important in the life of a child than protection by the responsible adults.  A safe enviroment allows them to grow, prosper, be a whole person and have healthy relationships.  Not experiencing the first violation as a child hopefully means that they will never experience violation. If you are reading this, learn what the behavior of a predator looks like, understand the signs that a child is in trouble--have the courage to to face down those that would ignore or minimize the harm of sexual abuse.

BSA leaders-Protectors of the Perversion Files!!

Among the list of cases in the perversion files was one where a child molester actually negotiated that, if the BSA would keep silent about the charges, he would resign.  This single case is at the heart of corrupted values in the Boy Scouts of America.

This is how the BSA self-describes itself:
"The Boy Scouts of America is one of the nation's largest and most prominent values-based youth development organizations. The BSA provides a program for young people that builds character, trains them in the responsibilities of participating citizenship, and develops personal fitness."

Let's see:

It is a "values-based" organization.

It provides programs that "build character"

and trains young people in the "responsibilities of participating citizenship"

This organization has been such a horrifying failure at living, much less teaching, these values,  that it should be shutdown and the non-profit status revoked.

Child sexual abuse can and has happened in many organizations.  I would never consider shutting down the BSA for that reason alone, although it might be possible to convert me to that position.

I would shut down the BSA and file criminal charges against every living person involved in the cover up, every person who knew about the abuse and took no action, and those that were enabling and the facilitating of child sexual abuse.

I would do the same with every person who knowingly and intentionally withheld case information related to claims and facts related to child sexual abuse in the BSA.  This would include all those involved in the extensive legal battle to "protect" the perversion files and in doing so protect the child molesters.

Have they ever given even a moments thought to the trauma suffered by the boys and how it has damaged their lives, their relationships, their sense of self.  Do they simply not care if these men, young and old, ever get the help they need.  Do they feel no obligation to help fill the gaps of "character, trustworthiness, etc. that were destroyed in the BSA.

The current leadership of the BSA has demonstrated by its actions that it cannot be trusted to self-regulate and all of their files and documents should be open to law enforcement so that the process of justice can begin. 

FROM THE BSA WEBSITE

"Leadership Selection

The Boy Scouts of America takes great pride in the quality of our adult leadership."

This is the top leadership that has fought tooth and nail, at tremendous cost, to protect the actual and accused sex offenders in their own perversion files.   This is TODAY's leadership!!!!

Bad Times in Boy Scouts

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Excerpt from Terrible Things Happened to Me: A True Story of Violence and Victory,  by Tom Scales  Pages 27-29.

Another attempt I made to find safety, while growing up, was joining the Cub Scouts. It was fun, interesting and a safe diversion from real life. In time, I graduated to the Boy Scouts and hoped and prayed that it, too, would be a safe haven where I could spend my time having some fun and adventures. The scout master was a close family friend so how could I go wrong? Everything was great in the beginning and I was excited as we headed out for my first camp experience. Unfortunately, this trip to Boy Scout Camp was to destroy any hope of safety or expectation of good times.

It started when the scoutmaster called me into his cabin. As I look back on that day, I see a small-statured, almost mousy-looking man with a whiny voice and a strong body odor smell about him. He told me I had to complete an initiation before he would allow me to be a full member of the troop. He said it was an important step that would show my commitment to him and the troop. I only had to do what he told me and I would be accepted forever. He added that the initiation was a secret process, and if I ever told anyone about it, I would be thrown out of the troop and branded a troublemaker. As he said it, I remembered my mother’s threatening words about obedience.

He told me to kneel down in the middle of his bed, and I did. He told me to slide down my pants and underpants, and I did. He told me to repeat, “O what an ass I am,” over and over and over again. When I said it quietly, he told me to speak up and say it loudly so that he knew I really believed it. I remember yelling those words as vividly as if it happened only yesterday. I no longer wanted to be a Boy Scout. He then started laughing at me and humiliating me for being so “tiny.” He insisted I come close to him so that I could see what the real thing looked like. He unzipped his pants and removed his erection and put my hands on it. He then told me, “Someday, you will be a man, like me,” and my Scout Master proceeded to do to me what predators do to little boys. This went on for over a year, and when I tried to quit scouts, I was told that “quitters never win and winners never quit.” Through this whole experience I shed no tears and felt absolutely nothing.

Tom Scales
Executive Director 
VOICE today, Inc.
 678-438-5944
Tom@voicetoday.org

"Negative Programming"

There have been many times in my life when a voice, a tone of voice, a color, the appearance of a person, a smell or some other element picked up by my senses reminded me vividly of the events of my child sexual abuse; It could happen anywhere and with out warning. Before I truly dealt with the issues of my abuse, these events triggered an almost instant regression to the little boy being violated and victimized by so many and in so many ways. The feelings were real and, in some ways, scarier than the actual events themselves. I was older and trying to understand what was happening.

It was not until I went to a support group for adult survivors of child sexual abuse and listened to the stories of others.One member wrote the words "negative programming " on the white board and it was an A-HA moment for many of us.It was then we realized that our reaction to many of these elements impacting our senses was as much habit as it was "real" regression. The abuse and the predators had in some way conditioned our minds to react a certain way. That was when I decided that I needed to reprogram my mind a bit.

My first step was to recognize when one of these events was starting.I then tried to look at it in the context of the moment, not the context of 30, 40, 50 years ago. I simply asked myself "why" was I reacting this way. I didn't want to. I was in no real danger.

The abuse drove me to both physical and emotional isolation, as much to get away from myself as from others.

As a child I thought I carried a sign that told all that I was vulnerable to sexual abuse. Once the actual abuse stopped,The nightmares and flashbacks kept it front and center in my mind, both conscious and subconscious.

Pondering Shame

I am in a Linked In group called Parenting 2.0 and one of the discussions is around "creating" yourself, rather than "finding" yourself. I think this is particularly apropos for survivors of child sexual abuse. In many, if not most cases, our memories are gone, our morals are corrupted and our emotional development is stunted. It seems to me that I kept silent and suffered inside because I was horrified by what was happening to me, and felt I had no power for self-protection and no adults who would stand for me. Once I reached a certain age, the perpetrators no longer perpetrated, but the memories lingered on in living color. Then began the second phase of child sexual abuse. Most of the coping mechanisms I had as a child were serious character flaws in the adult. At some point, the abuse itself, except for the nightmares, needed less and less power. That evil force was replaced by my own self-judgement of my own behaviors. I had moved from being shamed by what others had done to how I was living.

To heal, I needed to "recreate" myself, and that is what I did, although, I am not sure I realized it at the time. One step was to intimately understand and accept that I had not responsibility for the abuse, regardless of what i was told at the time. The next important step started with a simple statement made in one of our support groups--"We need to be constantly aware of "negative programming"." It was then I realized that I would have adult experiences, they would trigger a certain fear or anxiety, and I would replay old tapes in my head. i was responding to these adult situations with the tools of a child. This in turn gave me a fresh batch of memories and images that caused me great shame. I am certainly not "fixed" today, but, with God's grace, I have disabled some programs, modified others and replaced some. We cannot change our past, be it the abuse or the behavior, but we can change today and the future to be the person that we choose to be and that God destines us to be.

Child Sexual Abuse and Greiving

As a survivor of child sexual abuse, I look back and frequently say "What if?".  Interestingly enough, I never have given myself time to grieve what are probably losses similar to a friend’s death or other tragic event.  Certainly, there is no answer to the "What if?" and maybe it is not an answer I seek.  It is true realization and acceptance of the fact that predators entered my life, stole my innocence and my sense of self and I have never cried or grieved over the death of that person.  It was a death in every sense of the word, which then gave life to another person occupying my body.  For decades the "other" person was a fabrication and, in some ways, is still a fabrication today.  As one boy died, his childhood and memories died with him, only to be replaced with new stories, most often filled with violence and evil.  When the little boy died, his values and mores died with him.  They, in turn, were replaced by the distortions of the sexual violation and the manipulation of the predators. These distortions and the violation have impacted every relationship I have ever had, no exceptions.

So we fast forward to today, we see a man of 69 years.  He has been blessed with the opportunity to find healing.  He has been blessed with trustworthy friends and colleagues, who have helped as he rebuilt his values and his life.  Their help has come without cost and without judgment or criticism. Today, he sees in the mirror a person he loves, a person in whom he has great pride and a person that he knows has shed much of the overt damage of his early years.  He has been reborn a second time, in the image of his Savior.

He pauses one last time to consider "What if?" and then steps away knowing that the little boy of those early years is immensely proud of today's man, but the two shall never meet.  The little boy's time passed many years ago and transformation of his badly broken successor continues to this day.  Through these hardships and the immeasurable losses of self, identity and connection, a man capable of helping and supporting others is born.  He stops for a second and ponders "What if this had not been his path?" and "what if he had not accepted the challenges of his path?"  Who would be there for those in need?

I would rather be a Penguin

Watching an amazing rescue operation in SA with 10s of thousands of penguins and hundreds of dedicated professionals and volunteers.
The penguins are given every medical, nutritional and emotional care available.

Think how different the world would be if we did this for all survivors of child sexual abuse. Sometime I wish I could be penguins.

Dads can teach without using words

A Dad's behavior towards his wife and daughters shows a daughter (and all her friends!) how she should expect to be treated by a man. Set the bar high Dads, so she chooses a friends and a mate using the right standard. Be so kind and respectful, that crude, disrespectful or abusive behavior is immediately offensive and she separates from those that act that way towards her or others.

A Dad's behavior towards the women in his life also shows a son the respect and honor he should show to a lady. Here again Dads, set the bar high so he represents the best a man can be and attracts the finest women of faith and integrity.

The Promises We Make....

Child sexual abuse is the epitome of physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual violation.  While enduring the attacks many of us make promises to ourselves.  It is a way to comfort ourselves, knowing that when we "have the power" we will exercise it consistent with our promises.  The sad part is that the promises are made by boys and girls too young to understand the true implications.  After a while, the actual process of making the promise is forgotten and the preservation of that promise is kept whole by actions orchestrated by our subconscious.  The promises reflect the invasion of our boundaries and our inability to protect ourselves.  They also reflect the egregious violation of trust that takes place.
What are your promises?
     I will never trust another person.
     I will never love another person.
     I will never enjoy the affectionate touch of another person.
     I will never allow myself to enjoy sexual intimacy.
     I will never share my feelings with another.
     I will never be vulnerable with anyone.
     I will use masks to protect my true persona and never take them off
     No one will meet my standard for being a true friend
     No one will ever see me cry.
     I will always be in absolute control.
     I will be perfect so no one sees the real damage in me.
     I will always wear a smile, so no one suspects the depression I hide.

I am sure others can add many more.  As we heal, it is important to think and talk through the process of understanding what promises we made to ourselves in the agony and rage of sexual violation.  It is not healthy for us to carry these for life.  They distort each relationship we try to have and leave us with a life half lived. Thoughtfully and intentionally abandoning our promises can be a difficult process, but one that opens the mind and heart to love, happiness and intimacy.

A great gift a Father can give to his children

A Dad's behavior towards his wife and daughters shows a daughter (and all her friends!) how she should expect to be treated by a man. Set the bar high Dads, so she chooses a mate using the right standard and, when she sees or experiences disrespectful or abusive behavior, her immediate reaction is to terminate the relationship, because you have taught her well.

A Dad's behavior shows a son the respect and honor he should show to a lady. Here again Dads, set the bar high so he attracts the finest women of faith and integrity.

You can't enjoy an egg without cracking it!

A friend sent me the following quote:  "Ring the Bells that still can ring, forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in." by Leonard Cohen

It conjured up so many thought-provoking images, I thought I would share some.   

As a survivor of child sexual abuse, I have always viewed myself as damaged.  Not scratched, but seriously, and at times life-threateningly damaged.  Most of my energy was spent covering over the cracks, which symbolized this damage.  I labored endlessly to hide the cracks and hopefully make them disappear.  Most times, I was much more willing to allow the internal pain, suffering and anxiety to build to a bursting point, rather than allow others to see the real, and the real size, of the cracks in my facade.


The quote above gave me a whole new perspective.  While I was hiding, I didn't realize I was blocking out all the sunlight that brings joy into a life and makes one a person others desire to be around.  By patching over the crack in the bell, me, I muffled the beauty of its ring and the opportunity for the real me to shine and spread light.


Today, I accept the cracks, large and small, and I feel joy in the resonance my life has and how that echo encourages and supports others.  I accept that sometime there will be a harsh tone that represents the mistakes of life.  I pray to learn from those, but not allow them to silence my ring.  My ring is distinctive, because I embrace the uniqueness of my "bell".  It is important to the symphony of life.  Maybe there is a lesson in this for all of us.

Prayer of a Child Sexual Abuse Victim

The prayer of a victim of child sexual abuse

“Dear Lord I pray that today you will make me invisible.”

Growing up in a world of child sexual abuse, I was preoccupied with being so invisible that I never attracted attention.  It was a challenging path.  You want to fit in.  You want to be part of groups and teams.  You want to have friends.  But at the same time, you want to keep your inner self hidden.  You want your story to be your own silent movie.  You dread the time when others will know.  You fear the time when your distorted sense of right and wrong will surface in the most embarrassing ways possible. 

You develop scripts for conversations to avoid the risks of vulnerability that openness and honesty could bring. Everything gets analyzed and everything gets planned.  At the first signs of a “personal” discussion-you head for sports and front page news.

Silence and isolation become your friend.  They offer a place of safety with no judgment.  They come quickly to your rescue.  Over time, they help you build strong and impenetrable walls.  The adult cannot afford the vulnerability of youth because the stakes of job, family, etc. are higher.  The longer the secret is held, the more powerful the fear of exposure.  In the end, you sacrifice joy, friendship, intimacy and other life-fulfilling pleasures to keep those walls in tact.

There are frequent triggers that remind you of the urgency of your protective mission.  It can be a voice, a smell, an event, a person or a place that transports you quickly back to the sensations and world of sexual abuse.  You rush quickly to those old friends, silence and isolation, and are thankful that they protect you once again.

The break for me came while listening to TV interview of Frank Fitzpatrick.  I haven’t met Frank, but he is certainly one of my heroes.  When I heard him interviewed about the sexual abuse he suffered at the hands of Father James Porter, the switch was flipped and my eyes opened.  That single event began a torrent of very ugly memories.  At times overwhelming, they seemed to never stop, as the actions of one predator after another paraded themselves through my consciousness.

While I suspect that the journey of healing never ends, That TV interview and the many steps and events that followed have brought me out of my emotional cave, helped me replace the impervious walls with appropriate physical, emotional and spiritual boundaries.  This process has strengthened my faith and my self-esteem.  It has allowed me to have true friends and joy in my life.  It has allowed me to shed the persistent depression that has been with me my entire life.

I believe this transformation is possible for any and all survivors of child sexual abuse.  For me a TV interview was the starting gun for my renewal.  I hope an pray that I and my story can be that starter for others.

Friday, December 16, 2011

TRUTH & TRAUMA

I woke up this morning and there it was again.  Over the 60 years since my sexual abuse started it has happened many times, although less frequently as my emotional and spiritual healing has taken place.  I am talking about the sensation of being sodomized.  It is one of the reminders of uglier times.  For decades the sensation triggered fear, anxiety, rage and an appetite for vengeance.  Today I feel none of those, only a renewed commitment to my participation in programs to protect children and help adults heal form the evil of child sexual abuse.

It is my prayer that, if Jerry Sandusky is guilty he will stand this one time as a man and admit the horrifying damage he has caused.  He will not deny and rape the integrity of these boys again in the public eye by calling them liars and making them face him down in a court of law.  He will not accept freedom on some vague technicality.  If he is guilty, he destroyed the innocence of their youth and strewed them along his path of perversion.  If he is a survivor of child sexual abuse himself, he fully understands the trauma and damage he has caused.  If he is guilty, his life has been a complete and total lie, his marriage has been a lie and the real focus of his life has been to destroy the very essence of who other young men are.  Lest there be any doubt, he will receive justice for his actions as proscribed in Jeremiah 17:9-10. 

The truth can be their first step in true healing for these many boys, and even for Jerry Sandusky.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

THe first step of TRUST

For the victim of child sexual abuse the most damaging and persistent negative impact is the inability to trust.  Certainly there are many self-destructive behaviors that result and without question your boundaries are very distorted, but in my opinion trust is at the foundation of your personality and all your relations, without exception.

As I grew from childhood into adulthood, I trusted absolutely no one.  I had friends, but my friends never had me.  There was no time when I felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable or let another person into the emotional cave where I hid. God brought some very special people into my life so that this could change.

Some of those people were in the Support Group at Johnson Ferry Baptist Church in Marietta, GA. It was there that I truly understood that I was not alone. I heard the tragic stories of other men and women and realized that it made no difference if it was a man or a woman, if the abuse happened one time or thousands over years, the damage was much the same.  In that group we showed each other the true meaning of trust and what it looks like in real life.  We talked openly about struggles, fears and our path so far.  We found that each, in a different way, had been programmed by the predators, and those around us that turned a blind eye, to see the worst, expect the worst and not accept joy, affection, love or appreciation, because we were clearly unworthy and undeserving.

We talked about the negative tapes that play over and over in our minds, triggered often by a voice, a smell, a word or a tone of voice.  We were quickly back in the body of the abused little boy or girl, searching for the mental and emotional hiding place where we lived as kids.  We learned to replace those tapes with the love, affection and trust we shared in that group.

All of this discussion was the foundation for learning to properly build trust.  It started with introspection of our own personal boundaries.  Having been sexually molested by at least 8 different men and held down and raped by a young woman before I was 13, helped create a boundary system where just about anything was not only OK, but encouraged.  As I grew up, I knew they were distorted and as a result I replaced them with huge, solid walls.  They kept everyone and all emotion out.  Needless to say, this didn't work very well either.  Over the last few years, as I have rebuilt those boundaries, I have learned how to allow in love, openness, vulnerability, friendship and affection, without evil distortion.  I have learned that no one crosses those boundaries without permission, not even me.  Once I had appropriate boundaries in place, TRUST came much easier.  I understood clearly where I started and stopped and where others began (emotionally, physically, spiritually) and I appreciated the significance of that separation.  I also learned that I needed to recheck relationships and behaviors from time to time to be sure that the boundaries were not creeping or behaviors edging across the line.

The path from Victim to Victor is a lifelong journey and each positive step is a cause for joy and celebration in itself.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Did you Know? Child sexual abuse by the numbers!!

CDC statistics say that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually molested before age 18.

These numbers are based on a survey where the CDC asked the following question:

Has an adult or person at least 5 years olderever touched or fondled you in a sexual way, or had you touch their body in a sexual way, or attempted oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you, or actually had oral, anal or vaginal intercourse 

with you?

In response to this question–

24.7% of girls said YES

16.0% of boys said YES

There are 38,000,000 boys and 36,000,000 girls in the USA under the age of 18.

If CDC statistics remain accurate (it is frequently accepted that they understate the true frequency) then American society will generate about 17,000,000 new adult survivors of child sexual abuse over the next 18 years. That is about 853,000 per year or slightly less than 100/hour every hour of every day for 18 years.

There are about 39,000,000 adults survivors of child sexual abuse in the USA-This equals the combined population of Florida, Georgia, South Carolina and Alabama.

The average age at which a child is introduced to pornography is 11.
55% of children are exposed to pornography by age 15

In a No-Porn.com survey 40,000 men

          75% said they were addicted to pornography.

          62% said they never told anyone about their addiction.

          52% said they view porn daily.

85% of men, incarcerated for possession of child pornography, admitted to sexual contact with a child.

 In the USA Every SECOND

  - $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography.

  - 28,258 internet users are viewing pornography

  - 372 internet users are typing adult search terms into search engines.

•17% of women are addicted to pornography and  "It is believed that 70% of women involved in pornography are survivors of incest or child sexual abuse."  

 

“The majority of nude pictures  that boys view on their cell phones are of girls they know. " 

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Choose the Road you Travel

A survivor of child sexual abuse is trained and brainwashed to believe that they cannot make good decisions for themselves.  During the period of abuse, the predator goes to great effort to subtly and deceitfully convince the victim that they are both responsible and complicit in the behavior and that, even though the victim is a child, the acts are consensual.  As a result, the victim takes on the emotional baggage of the predator and this is a major hurdle in the healing process.   It makes forgiveness all the more difficult.

If one is complicit in the evil your sense of self is severely damaged.  On some level, you see your self as you see the predator, saturated in deceit and lies.  The end result is frequently the build up of rage and self hate that turns into self destructive behaviors. I had never heard the term “non-suicidal self injury” until I started to understand my past and the drivers for my behavior.

One of the most difficult steps in healing was to separate my behavior and my responsibilities from those of the predator.  Layered on top of that was the complication of being a child with the emotional and mental capabilities of a child.  In time I understood that I had no power, no control and no method of escape.  As a result, I had no real accountability for those events that so deeply damaged me and set my personal values on a collision course with society.

To heal, I had to be truly and completely free of the control and influence of the predators.  In many cases, I was allowing men who had been dead for years to continue to control my life.  It was then that I realized that I needed to forgive all my predators, and do so without any reservation what so ever, As long as I carried the anger, rage taste for vengeance towards them, it ate at my soul and discolored every aspect of me.  It took me time to understand that forgiveness did not release them from accountability, but released me from holding them accountable.  It didn’t release them from the prospects of an excruciating final judgment and consequences, but removed from my hands the role of judge, jury and executioner.  It reminded me that my life is littered with much failure of my own making and that the extent to which I will be forgiven for those actions will be measured based on how forgiving my heart is to others.

So forgiveness does not relieve the perpetrator of his/her accountability, it is not a license for more abuse; it is not prideful and not driven by self-interest.  It must come from the heart, must understand that none of us knows the inner workings of another’s mind and, therefore, cannot judge the intent or evil of their actions.  We see only the surface. Only God sees the entire picture and can make the perfect judgment.

If our hands are always prepared for violence and rage, you cannot offer peace, love and friendship to those around us.  The rage is frequently waiting just under the surface. If your mind is preoccupied with vengeance, there is not time or capacity to enjoy the moment or the love and affection of others.

Letting go, means not carrying the rage and desire for vengeance into every relationship, mood, decision and action.  Only then was I free to be ME, and be a me that I could love and respect.

I am me.  I wanted to be someone else, but they were all taken.  The process of healing has taught me to love and appreciate being me.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I believe we have found ONE man!

There was Bishop Eddie Long, then news of the Sandusky affair at Penn State University hit the airwaves and the victims came forth.   Then there was Bernie Fine and all the news at Syracuse, including another iconic coach crushing the integrity of the victims with his poor judgement and massive ego.  In these cases the accused predator stands staunchly behind his pleading of "not guilty".  While we would hope to see what the fact show and how the justice system work, Money gets in the way.  Bishop Long apparently paid large sums of money to "settle" his case. If there was NO case, what was there to settle and why pay the money?  As a spiritual leader of a huge congregation, one would believe that nothing is more important than his unblemished integrity.  it can only be restored by an innocent verdict in a court of law after the evil charges that were made.  Wonder what the number was $50,000 per boy, maybe $100,000 or even $1,000,000.  This idea that a rich person can pay money, settle a case with no admission of guilt is the new form of justice. The poor don't get this option.

That brings us to Sandusky and Fine.  Do they have enough money to take the same path?  Will we once again see Jerry Sandusky sitting on his deck, binoculars in hand, watching out for the safety of the children in the elementary school play area?

Now we have a new face in the mix and his name is Zach Tomaselli.  No one can condone what he did in Lewiston, Maine, but the fact that he has chosen to take responsibility for his actions in the form of a confession and validation of the words of the victim is refreshing. We actually have a man skipping the the tactics of verbal warfare and litigation technicalities and helping his victim heal by simply being honest.

"Tomaselli said he and the victim disagree on some details but most of the accusations were true. He said he fondled the boy once when the boy was 13 and a couple more times when he was 14.  “Pretty much everything he said is absolutely right,” Tomaselli said."

Tomaselli will pay his debt to society, his victim will start his path to healing now, and at the same time the posturing and legal maneuvering around Sandusky and Fine continue to rape and abuse the victims in the public eye. I pray that justice finds an equally excruciating penalty for these two if, and when, they are found guilty.